Daddy's 'Little' Girl
by BlackWolf2Dragoon
Summary: Hughes knows his best friend is keeping a secret from him. Being the investigator, he launches a surprise visit to unravel it. RoyEd, One Shot.


Little note that I'm not even sure this is even funny. It just doesn't fit under any category because there's no such one as "awkward" or "tense". It's HARDLY adventurous, now is it?

Whilst Hughes is the main focus here, it's actually revolved around the mystery that is RoyEd, so I placed it under RoyEd and because that's where all, or most, of the RoyEd fans hang around. I WONDER WHY.

I've seen this done in a few doujinshi's, but never in a fanfic. Hughes is AMAZING. We could get such hilarious reactions from him and treating Edward like a son! So I decided to write one!

I apologise if it at all seems sloppy or lacking in humour. My father, well legally and biologically speaking but I hardly see him as my father, decided to snatch the laptop in the middle of writing and forced me to stop writing halfway through. You know how irritating that is? It took me a while to get back to writing because of that. Yeah, thanks Pops. -.- I understand Edward's hatred of his own father, I share the same feelings to my own father, only he isn't going away. *sigh*

Regardless! Enjoy this little one shot!

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><p><span>Daddy's 'Little' Girl<span>

It wasn't often Maes was able to get away from Central. From the big city always having some form of trouble, be it benign or worth dealing with and having to look after his own wife and daughter, Maes found it hard to visit his best friend as often as he would've liked. He felt like he neglected his best friend just a bit much.

Recently, Roy Mustang had been given a promotion, finally, to a General. He was one step closer to his ultimate goal, becoming Fuhrer. So, instead of calling just to say congratulations, a certain little fox managed to cull a couple of annoying rats in Central from eating the cheese, so to speak. The little fox got a treat and the hawk got a break to visit the horse. What was with the animal analogy, who knew?

There was another reason for not calling like he usually did. Well, first he would end up mouthing and boasting about his wife and child endlessly and run his credit dry. That was a serious problem, at home especially. The military had already chewed him out for that one, but it was just so _hard. _

The main reason, however, was that Roy Mustang was answering the phone a lot less than usual.

This wouldn't worry Maes, Roy always got stroppy whilst listening to one of his own praises of his family and going over and over in detail about his obsession of his daughter. However, he was head of the investigations department; he was meant to notice things that were off. Maes Hughes felt something was very off indeed.

Firstly, nobody answered the phone at certain times when Roy doesn't, not one of his subordinates. How many did he have? He could pick the phone up, or have them answer the phone, at least! But no, he was left with the dialling tone and no human voice at the other end. Roy Mustang had this reputation to being a man whore, but those were complete fabrications. Maes knew; he made some of those rumours up! Roy helped, writing down a journal about what he did with certain women. They were, in fact, his alchemical notes in code and the women mentioned were merely his 'sisters' from Madame Christmas' Pub.

So Roy Mustang couldn't have brought a whore into the room whilst he was trying to phone and everyone ran away, leaving the phone ringing endlessly.

There was also the fact that Mustang, when he actually _bothered _to answer the phone, seemed a little too cheery for Maes' liking. Here, Hughes wanted his friend happy, but just the way that Roy was showing he was happy... it just seemed like there was a mischievous tone about his 'happy' voice. Also a slight guilty tone behind the 'happy' voice. So, clearly Mustang had something to hide and Maes wants to know.

He wasn't sure if the rest of the team knew, Hawkeye was as emotionless about things as ever, giving nothing away and being a poker face and voice master forever more. When he tried asking everyone else, they said Hawkeye had a gun pointed at them and shut right up on the subject.

Now what in the world did Roy Mustang want to keep from his best friend? Did he know that it was futile? He was hiding something from Hughes, Maes Hughes, stalker and spy extraordinaire! There was no way that Roy was going to keep something from him, even if he had to bend the rules a bit, he would find out.

So here he was, on his way to Central without calling and with endless pictures of his family and a pie from Gracia to celebrate his promotion. Along the way, he _will _find out what Roy Mustang has been hiding from him. He was Maes Hughes, he will do this.

Everything seemed normal on the walk towards Roy's office. Nobody avoided him like the plague and people weren't rushing about in blind terror. Clearly what Roy Mustang was hiding wasn't as important as he thought it was. Still, his curiosity pegged him on, it had to be sated! It needed to find out the mystery, his investigator had to know the answer, unravel the curious case that was Roy Mustang's secret. It was a need that was there and would not fade over in any amount of time. Any short amount of time, at any rate.

Inside the building it was as monotone as ever. Nothing suspicious at all. Maybe Hughes had been wrong. But he knew he wasn't, his instincts still knew, he knew it in his bones that there was _something _to be found, something hidden. So, he trudged on, determined as an investigator could be.

However, upon getting within sights of Roy's office, he was stopped.

"Oh, Lieutenant Colonel Maes Hughes!" It was Havoc and Fuery, the pair of them carrying a many amount of paperwork each. Fuery seemed a bit shaken up, though this was normal for the nervous man, he was like Alphonse, only even more timid. It was a surprise to anyone on why he became a soldier, because he wanted to do the right thing. Havoc was the same as ever, a cig glued to his lips and never ending, for every time Maes looked at Havoc, there was always a cig lit there.

Both looked as normal as ever. Surprised to see him. That was normal, wasn't it?

"Second Lieutenant Havoc, Sergeant Fuery, what are you two doing with that paperwork?" It didn't harm to ask such a simple question, even if you were likely to get a simple answer.

But spotting the two looking at each other nervously before answering. Now _that _was a sign something wasn't right.

"Urm, we were just..." Fuery started quietly, when Havoc cut in quickly and loudly.

"Sending it out for the others! There's been a shortage of paper, you see!" He laughed, albeit nervously. "Roy Mustang said he wanted some peace and quiet, he's been having a headache lately." _Oh, did he now? _"So, better move and get the job done!"

Something certainly wasn't right. Maes was about to ask more on the subject, when suddenly;

"_Aaaagh!"_

Hughes tensed, head snapping in the direction of Roy's office. That wasn't Roy's voice, but neither was it a female one. Was someone injured?

"What was that?"

Fuery and Havoc were unsure how to answer, having not had the chance to move from that spot. "Uh, well..." Fuery started, once again interrupted quickly by a not-so-good-at-covering-his-tracks Havoc.

"It was nothing! Just some strays that Alphonse and Fuery find; you know how it is. Animal lovers just going overboard, nothing to worry about at all!" Again, the very same laugh basically saying _'I'm shit at keeping secrets, but I'm trying anyway'_.

"_Oooooh, right there!"_

Cue the anime sweat drops from both Fuery and Havoc. Animals did not talk, much as Havoc and Fuery wanted Hughes to believe, but Maes had reason to believe that that voice was _not _in any pain whatsoever.

Determination anew, he marched towards Roy's office with a clean breakthrough in sight of his mystery. _Case soon to be solved! _

Havoc and Fuery were quick to follow his tracks in panic strides with excuses left and right.

"Wait, you can't go in there, Chief is busy!"

"But the Colonel, I mean General, doesn't want to be disturbed!"

"We'll be roasted if you go in there!"

Hughes didn't stop to listen to them. The pair of them eventually noticed and fled as fast as they could. Was what Maes was about to discover really that terrible that they felt the need to cover it up? That they felt the need to flee from the scene? Apparently so.

As Hughes reached the door, he listened, pressing an ear to the door. He heard some sort of banging, like a chair was rocking, a chair not designed to rock, being forced to rock very roughly indeed. There was heavy panting and the occasional curse made it through the cracks of the door. What on earth...?

Taking his chances, Maes Hughes, head of investigations, opened the door.

It was one of those times where you wished you bothered to listen to your gut, when your gut tells you "don't do this, you'll regret it forever!" That's exactly how Maes felt in one way, and in another, he felt mortified.

For inside that room should never be spoken of to people of such young ears. But let's indulge our curiosity. Inside the usual quiet and mostly empty room of Roy Mustang, it was occupied by two people. Two near naked people, to be exact. Two near naked _males. _Roy Mustang and the famed Fullmetal Alchemist himself. How they got into the position they were at was a mystery to Maes, one he, for once, never wanted to figure out.

Edward was lying down on his back on the desk, his legs somehow being able to wrap themselves around Roy's neck and still be in a good position whilst Roy was bent over only very slightly over the small alchemist. Both had just their boxers and trousers lowered, jackets and shirt left on, and both seemed to have noticed Maes' appearance and had frozen on the spot. Hughes was frozen, time was frozen and the air pretty much breathed the words "oh fuck". Ed's member, wide out in the open from Maes' view, visibly drooped, much like a dogs' ear did when it knew it had been caught out doing something naughty, something forbidden under their masters' rule.

Roy made an audible gulp, before he tried to break the awkwardness without an explosive reaction. After all, Maes treated Edward Elric like a son that he never had.

"Oh, good evening Maes." Mustang began, having trouble for once in his life finishing, or wanting to finish his speech. "Uh... how's Central?"

Bad question. Mes exploded. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH MY LITTLE GIRL?"

Then Edward exploded, temporarily. "HEY, WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' PIXIE TINY?"

But Mustang refused to follow suit. Instead, he gulped. Again. "Um, I'm... giving him some exercise?" It was weak, weaker than weak.

Hughes had had enough. Letting go of the door handle, it sighing in relief of being let out of that livid man's grasp, and strode towards his best friend. Taking the basket that held the pie, he gave Roy very little time to pry the legs of Edward Elric off of his neck before his face was filled with a basket of pie. Hard. Hard enough to make him whine about it for hours later at home alone.

"Ah, Mustang!" Ed was surprised, even a bit worried. Ed worried? Then he glared at Maes. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

The investigator refused to answer. Instead, he took the ear of the boy and dragged him to his feet. "Put your trousers on." It was an order he couldn't refuse. His erection died away and his pleasure robbed from him by who he saw as a father, he found his boxers and trousers and proceeded to dress. When dressed, Maes took the same ear hostage once again, pulling the poor seventeen year old away.

"Hey, what the fuck, Hughes?"

"You, my dear lady, are grounded!"

"WHAT? BUT I'M SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD! I'M OF AGE!"

"Oh, but how long have you been doing this for?"

"..."

"Precisely. You are not allowed to see Roy Mustang ever again!"

"What do I look like, some frisky little six year old?"

Maes refused to answer that one and continued to drag Edward Elric out, kicking and screaming profanities that beat any pirate at its own game.

Riza had noticed this, so she quickly went to check on her superior officer. He was fine, health wise. Currently, he was trying to wipe all the pie juices off, a cherry pie which would've been a delight to have shared with his blond if Maes hadn't become a nosey little prick. He looked like his nose had been bruised, that would be sensitive for a while, and he still hadn't really put his boxers or trousers up. Still, Hawkeye kept the champion's poker face in action, giving it nary a break.

"Lieutenant." Mustang called, always knowing when his trusty bodyguard was around.

"Yes sir?"

"Remind me to lock the door next time." Riza rolled her eyes, still watching Roy struggling to stand from his position, having been knocked down by the force of the thrown pie.

"Of course sir." She paused. "I suggest you get dressed before you return to work."

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><p>Ha. Yeah I'm not funny. Ah well, never said it was going to be, just said I had to write it!<p>

Review and all that. If you want, of course. No big deal.  
>~Blackie<p> 


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